Diego, the Adventurous Raisin

Once upon a time, there was a little raisin, who lived with his mommy and daddy and aunts and uncles and cousins, in the raisin box. One day, Diego's cousin, Fausto, got taken away and put on oatmeal. Diego was horrified. How could anyone do that to Fausto? I must warn the others, Diego thought to himself. So he went to the top of the box and said "Good people of the raisin box, I must warn you of the great evil that lurks. Not ten minutes ago, someone took my beloved cousin, Fausto, and put him on oatmeal. We must escape before the same fate befalls the rest of us." A cry came up from the other raisins. They, too, thought it judicious to make an escape, so they all ran out of the raisin box, and hid in diverse corners of the cupboard, living in small tribes, and foraging for broken spaghetti noodles and bits of cashew. They lived very simply, but they were happy. As Thoreau said, Simplify, Simplify, Simplify.
The moral of this story is "Never eat salt and vinegar chips before bed or you, too, might wake up and write a story like this."

Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby, Why is the world round?
Signed, Rupert Who-Had- Nothing-Better-To-Ask

Dear Rupert Who-Had-Nothing-Better-To-Ask,
Get a life.
Signed, More-Crabby-Than- Usual

Dear More-crabby-Than-Usual,
Will you Be my pen pal?
Signed, Rupert Who-Has-A-Life

Dear Rupert Who-Thinks-He-Has-A-Life,
If you are asking a fictional newsletter problem-solver to be your pen pal, then you obviously do NOT have anything remotely resembling life.
Signed, Crabby Un-pen Pal

Dear pen pal,
Do you have a doggy? Do you have a kitty? Do have a brother or sister? Have you ever seen a dinosaur? I like dinos. My favorite food is peanut butter samwiches. I don’t have a puppy. I really want one. For my birthday I want a puppy.
Signed, Rupert Who-Has-A Pen-Pal

Dear Rupert Who-Has-Issues,
Have you seen a counselor?
Signed, Anonymous

The World at a Glance

PR-Berlin
Last night, during a mob raid, fifteen German meat processing plants were burned to the ground. This is not the only attack of its kind recently. On Thursday a raid was carried out in the Hamburg area during which a mob of an estimated 567 people broke into a pork killing plant and released 6834 hogs into the streets. Reports have been coming in from all over Germany of butchers being found dead in their shops. Herman Schwientoeter, a fifth generation sausage maker, made the following statement this afternoon. “I ham fery scared zat mebbe somevon vill zhoot me, bang bang. It like durink ze Third Reich.” This has all been due to a recent vegan movement among the younger German population. This conflict is being commonly referred to throughout all of Europe as “Die Duetsche Wurstkrise” or “The German Sausage Crisis.”

Featured Citizen: Nelson Mandela Smith-Piggott

Our exciting featured citizen this month is Seattle Aquarium’s very own Nelson Mandela Smith-Piggott. Nelson has been working at the aquarium for… um.. many moons. He was named after famous human rights activist Nelson Mandela. Nelson is a cornerstone member of the Save the Whales Foundation. He is also the founder of the Anemone Suffrage Movement. He is currently starting work on a Clownfish Protection Program. Nelson is currently living in a tank in the Puget Sound area. Nelson is a pinkish colored anenome.

Return of the Somewhat Unenlightend Editor

Well, it has been many moons since my last post, and some considerable time since the last issue of PR came out. With any luck, I'll have a new issue out by Sept. the 17th. Or the week after that. Or sometime in the next month. Changing the subject quite abruptly, I just returned from a vacation at the San Juan Islands in Washington. It was really nice. I'm back now though, to continue spreading literary confusion and havoc throughout my little sphere of influnence, and to resume the great work of publishing falsehoods that ought not to be published. And to once again inform the populace of current international crises which may or may not be happening even as we speak. sometimes I yearn for respite from this tedious task. But duty calls and I must answer. Still, life goes on.